I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life and everything in it has changed over the last 6 months. I almost feel like I've become a completely different person.
I've noticed I am less tolerant to bullshit and bullshitters. I have more patience with my children. I am a better listener. I take my time in everything I do. I don't focus on things that I don't think personally should matter to me or to my family. My memory has improved. Over the last 2 months, I can concentrate with more precision. I am enjoying sleeping and don't feel like I am a bad mother if I ask my husband to watch the kids while I take a nap.
I am more careful about what I say {my brain-to-mouth filter works over time}. I no longer feel the need to impress or please anyone. What you see now is what you get. No smoke and mirrors, just a woman with big heart, a sense of humour and a thoughtful, supportive nature. I am focused more than ever on giving my children a fun, happy and healthy life, full of memories and lots of laughs. I laugh more than I ever have. I accept my body and my health and am thankful for recognising the need to improve my health and fitness to the level it once was.
I have subconsciously taken control of my anxiety and panic disorder, one of the best changes I've seen in myself. I can take my mind out of a sticky situation {or what my sister and I call a "moment", or a moment where our parents are on our mind} and re-focus on the present. I have become more of a reader {even though I was pretty nerdy before} and I am really enjoying my spare time.
I have gone back to work into a position that I couldn't enjoy more. My colleagues are professional, yet amazingly supportive and fun to work with. I am enjoying being back at work as it's the most adult time I get for the week and boy, with a Miss 9 Months with Attitude to Boot and Master Shy 5 Guy on my case, do I need it!
The patients I work with are so grateful and appreciative for the care they receive. I'm getting such positive feedback on my communication, my passion and my character, I really believe my parents would be proud.
I think about how much I relied on my Mum throughout my life to help me in making decisions, in giving me advice, in supporting my choices and the best lesson she taught me is to just listen to myself. I have a voice inside that guides me that I can now hear. I don't question it's guidance. My answers to questions and decisions are no longer grey, they are black or white. The voice is loud and clear inside me. I no longer question my thoughts or my decisions. I am trying my best not to live in the past or with regret.
I am still having many upsetting moments which come at the most strange times in my day. Seeing Mum's favourite prawn and soba soup set me off into a flood of tears this afternoon. I have learnt to stay calm and not feel overwhelmed. I have learnt to accept that the ride I am on is a roller coaster and I'm the only passenger. Not everyone knows how this ride feels when they are standing watching me from the sidelines, but they can see it will be a mix of ups and downs for me. I don't expect it to end any time soon. All I expect from myself is to let it play out as it needs to.
I let the tears flow now. I can think to my emotional state in the first two or three months without Mum and I really tried to not show my feelings in front of anyone. I didn't want to cry, most likely because I didn't want to feel pain. I had 18 months to get used to the idea of having to let my Dad go when the time came. As Mum's passing was sudden, my system has been totally shocked into trying to accepting just not having her here. I was angry months ago. I am learning how to live in peace and accept the world and what is thrown at me as it is.
I've lost my greatest friend and my greatest support but that doesn't mean I'm alone. It just means I need to live with happiness and love in my heart and that it's okay for me to fall apart sometimes. You can't lose those you love the most and not be affected in major ways. They have changed your life forever and their loss changes every part of you. I am no longer a daughter, which is very difficult for me to swallow as it was one I took the most pride in.
This has been the most challenging 6 months of my life. There isn't much more that life can throw at me that will throw me off my game. Bring it on.
LEJ- Flying Solo
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