Usually, I talk. Well, most waking moments of my life, I am talking. It's sometimes mindless chatter but mostly it's meaningful to me. I talk when I'm nervous, I talk when I'm with someone, I talk to myself and I talk in myself. I really don't stop. Unless I have a damn good reason.
After thinking about the beginning of this journey in my life last night (LINK), quite late I might add, sleeping through my alarm and still making it to work on time, I sat in my office alone and in silence. And I LOVED IT. With two small children, one a chatterbox at 5 years old like me and the other 9 months old and trying so hard to become the chatterbox her mother is, I rarely have a moment of silence. It was golden.
It was so golden that my mood actually soured when someone came in for the morning and simply asked how I was. And kept asking me questions about my days off. And they didn't stop for at least ten minutes. I really just needed silence for the first time in months.
Half way through my day, after spending the morning busily catching up on 5 days worth of back log, I was asked what was wrong.
I paused. So something must be wrong with me because I'm not talking endlessly? I can't just sit in silence? I felt like I had to talk and talk and talk just to prove nothing was wrong. Even though I had nothing to prove and certainly didn't have to prove anything to the people I was with.
But I didn't talk. I just said "I'm all good, just fine". And I really was. I just wanted my mind to slow and to focus on just getting through the day. With less than 3 hours sleep under my belt, I needed shoosh and a full day of it.
And there it was, my first moment where I didn't conform to a vision people really have of me- a chattery, outgoing person. I wasn't chatting and I was sitting peacefully in the quiet buzz of the radio beside me. The retreat I really needed came to me in the middle of a crowded room.
After a few hours of just working, I paused again. I was no longer enjoying the silence. The buzz of the radio and the falsities of "how was your weekend" when no one really cares couldn't hide one very serious fact- I was quiet because I finally saw through the false, mindless chatter and realized I was totally alone. And I'm the only one in the room who really cares about me.
These people don't know me. They don't know me outside of work, which isn't really much different from the work me. They don't know my family. They don't know at all what I've been through of late and the reason why today of all days, I chose to be quiet and still. All I knew was I really felt alone for the first time in my life. Like there was no one I could call if I wanted to talk, just to hear a friendly familiar voice that would give me comfort and take the edge off.
Feeling alone when you are surrounded by people is quite uncomfortable, I've decided. It isn't right and doesn't sit well with me. I'm used to talk, noise, laughter, busyness. Silence has its purpose when you need a bit of peace in a busy day but it makes me realize that it really is just me in this world now, to fight battles for myself and for my husband and children. I make my own decisions. I chose my own pathways. I say no when I feel the need, I say yes when I want to. I could do this before, when my parents were in my physical life, but now, I can't do what I always did {and probably shouldn't have}- consult Mum.
I relied on her too much. I needed her approval. I wanted to please her and make her proud of me. I did a lot in my life just to try to make her proud of me. I can stand on my own though and my decisions are my own. She left me in such a way that I know I will be okay. In the end, I don't have a choice.I've gone from nervous with no self-belief to reassured and growing confident in myself and my abilities by the day.
I look down at my feet and realize that she gave me the very foundation I stand on. Watching how my parents lived their {far too short} lives has helped shaped mine and has shaped how I want to move forward. And even though I might spend most of my day every day by myself, I am not alone. My family are always with me. My friends are always with me.
I'll move forward as I'm ready to and that's something my parents really would be proud of. I've been able to find peace in a busy day and not fall apart. It's a win. A major win.
L
xo
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