I Was Doing So Well....Or So I Thought?

Ever tried holding an intense emotion in so badly that you really feel like you're going to cry, whether you're happy or sad?

I've been conducting a bit of an experiment on myself, because that's me, the weirdo. The experiment you ask? To see how long I can go in between tearies! {or tearful moments, if you didn't get that}

This time, I lasted 4 days! I was so proud. Mind you, I'd been sick and in bed all week so I've done nothing but sleep, no time for waterworks. I managed to scrap myself out of bed long enough to get some groceries and the Husband suggested we go for a drive. So we did. And then it hit me.

All I did was look at my left hand on the steering wheel as I stopped for petrol and the tears started. You'd think something blaringly obvious would make you cry. But I think I'm in this permanent state of fragility now. All it took was to join some perfectly unrelated, unconnected dots. The dots being sunspots on my hands.

These sunspots are so pale you can hardly see them. But the closer I looked at them, the closer I got to deciding I'm turning into my mum. AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. Avert your eyes! Avert your eyes!

Her skin, her dehydrated, sun blemished skin. Her sunspots. Her build. Her face. My own nose, but her face. Ugh. "You look so much like your mum". Ugh. Please stop. I've stopped looking in the mirror in case I catch a glimpse of me turning into her!

So I cried and kept driving. And sobbed. And told stories of her to my Husband that I've told hundreds of times before. I just wanted to relive all these nice moments in our life together. And then I had a lightning bolt moment. {and yet still, kept crying}.

I am denying she's gone in some weird way because if I acknowledge she's gone, I'll be in more pain than I'm in now. That's why I have really "quick" tearful moments and haven't spent days under my doona. I'm afraid to believe she's gone.

So I stopped crying, brushed myself off, apologised to my Husband and took a deep breath. Maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself. No more experiments on myself in this state, I don't have to be tough for anyone.

I really am starting to believe that I'm only doing well because part of me is in denial. If I think too much of the truth, the crushing pain will get worse. I'll get there eventually. Just gotta suck it up and give myself time.