And like magic, I am in control of my feelings. Nothing is getting to me anymore. I'm calm and focused. Even when I'm having a "moment" {a collective of seconds or minutes where I am thinking about Mum and Dad}, I can talk myself out of panic. I used to live so crippled in fear that I wasted time and wished it away, just so the bad moments would have less chance of finding me.
I haven't felt so relaxed in years. I'm in love, I'm happy and I'm carefree. My concentration and memory have improved. My motivation has skyrocketed and I'm content with what I have, what I don't have and with what I want and don't want in my life.
It feels great to finally feel in some sort of control of my emotions. I say how I feel, without thinking about other people first. If something needs to be said, I will say it. I don't care what other people think anymore. I'm not letting people's opinions guide my life.
I have been having nightmares about my Mum again. I had one this afternoon and I was so crippled by fear, I couldn't even tell my husband what happened. I went quiet, walked outside and sat in the warm sun with my eyes close until I felt I had calmed down and could cope again. It worked. Some deep breaths, a cool glass of water, some sun on my bare shoulders and I was okay again. I haven't forgotten what happened in the nightmare and I probably never will. But that's okay. I'm really starting to believe that dreams have very deep, significant meanings and I'd like to think that those with whom we want to communicate the most and most likely can't in every day life, come to visit us in our dreams to give us messages and to show us what and who is important.
Why else would my dreams have the same recurring theme? 18 times over, I have had this nightmare/dream. I'm being told something or subconsciously, I am thinking something that I am too afraid to confront in my waking life.
Now that I don't live in fear of anything, it's time to confront all this head on.
Happiness is really something that we should all seek and we should all work on. It doesn't always come easily. I've faced a lot in my life. I've been in abusive relationships. I've lost those I love the most. I've faced significant depression, anxiety and panic. I've had an eating disorder to learn to overcome. There's not much I can't do.
I know I can do it and this weekend just proves it. I can live a happy, peaceful life and learn from the bad times. It's a bad moment, not a bad life. Just take them as they are and move forward.
Cheers to the good times in life, I'm so thankful so all the good things in my life right now.
L
xo
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