I don't read as much as I want to. I went through a stage when I couldn't keep my head out of books. I went through a stage where I downloaded a book a day {thanks Amazon}. But with two small Goblins, one a fair bit tinier than the other, as well as a fledgling small business and a part time job on the go, reading falls by the wayside.
Over the last two and a bit months, I've managed to read my first {gulp} "self help"-style books. I was looking for books about women, parenting and motherless daughters.
The first I managed to get through was "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. It was FANTASTIC and I really felt connected to the messages in the book. I even highlighted pages on my Kindle App, I was that exited that I'd found something to help me feel less alone at the time. I then got through "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair. More depressing than the first, but the messages got through to me just as loud and clear.
It's hard to not feel alone when the person you felt the most connected to in your life dies. Who do I go to for comfort? Who do I talk to when I want to tell someone that I feel ripped off, scared, depressed and alone?
These two books were comfort to me. They informed me {not reminded me} that clearly, I'm not the first and only person to face the loss of a parent {or both parents} at a young age. So I'm not alone and my thoughts are not rare or unusual.
Sometimes, I wish I could switch off. I think about my parents every waking minute. Sometimes the thoughts bug me and upset me to the point of tears, but mostly the thought of them makes me silent. I take a gulp of fresh air, close my eyes and be still until the pain subsides. It's strange how I actually feel physical pain when thinking of my parents, when it's a combination of sadness, grief, disbelief, anxiety and depression.
I don't believe I'm clinically depressed. I do however believe I'm grieving. And right in the middle of a bad patch. Grief is good in a way, it provides you with the emotions and thoughts to really accept the loss you've had. It makes you slow down. If I didn't slow down during these bad patches, I'd surely collapse.
Sometimes, when the thoughts of my angel parents hide for a while, I feel like I am not scared of anything. And it really feels good. When Dad died, I felt guilty for smiling. I felt guilty for laughing, even for enjoying a meal. Because Dad wasn't here to enjoy the same small pleasures. When Mum died, I realized that there is no point in feeling this guilt. It won't get me anywhere but a bad place I don't want to be. I've found a place in my mind and my soul where I feel free.
I'd like to go for a day without feeling this grief. It's so overwhelming and all consuming. If I let it, it turns me into a tired mess, one who doesn't want to get out of bed.
I've learnt to accept that my feelings about what has happened to our family can change at any moment. I need to just go with it. Not fighting the grief is the key to surviving it. I don't want to live with depression and anxiety. My kids have every right to have a happy, healthy Mum, one who is there in mind and body for them. I know as they grow and get to understand what we've all faced {if I've taught them enough about living with compassion in their hearts}, they may be sensitive to the issues and not be hard on me for having a rough day. As long as they know that they were the ones to pull me through this, everything will be okay.
I have a thirst for life, a thirst for sunshine and peace. I want to feel every breath enter and exit my lungs. I love silence but can't get home quick enough each day to hear my babies laughing and chattering away.
Mum and Dad would want a happy life for us. They would wish us peace, love and comfort. If they were here, they would be encouraging me to be the best possible wife, mother, sister and friend I can be. They wouldn't let me slack off. I can't afford to. What if I died tomorrow? That's why EVERY SINGLE DAY has to be peaceful and beautiful.
Mum and Dad, I say this to you both. I let you go now. I will never stop grieving for you both. I will always love you both and miss you both so much my heart hurts. I am so proud to be your daughter. You are both with me every step of my life. I will not forget you both. I wish you were here with us. There is nothing more either of you could have done to be better parents. You supported me, you loved me, you were strict and you were loving at the same time. To lose both of you within 9 years is something I cannot comprehend. I never thought my life would be this way at age 31. And yes, it is painful that you are both no longer here. Very painful. But yours is a love story that I will tell my children with warmth in my heart and their children will know how much you loved each other. My children and my grandchildren will know you both as if you were here to show them who you were in the flesh. It makes me beam with pride to talk about you both. You mean so much to me, everything to me.
I will be there for my sister for all of her days. I will be her friend, a support to her and will be there when and if she needs me. I am proud of her. I enjoy the friendship and sistership we have. We make a good team. I am thankful to you both for giving me a sister that I know will be there for me too. We will make it and you both will continue to be proud.
I'm not giving myself the choice anymore. I'll live happily ever after.
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