Making Your Own Future

Your birth, parents, childhood, home, schooling, career, friends, family, environment and experiences combine to create the present you.

One of these can be a greater force in your making than the others. Once you realize that there is a fluidity between the past, present and future, you can move forward. 

Miniscule boundaries separate these parts of your time on Earth. You never should forget how you move from one to the other, who helped you there and who you said goodbye to along the way.

So many series of combinations join together in life. And at any stage, you have the power to sway the direction you're headed in, even up to 180 deg. 

At the end of your time on Earth, be proud of the pathways you travelled upon, even if some were rocky and led you to dangerous, dark times. 

The power of choice is always a power in your possession.

Make the right choices for you because no one else but you can.

one of "those" days....

9 degrees, hailstones, intermittent sunshine and icy cold winds. raining most of the day, grey skies and dark, angry clouds. happy monday everyone.
i finished the day as i started it: weary, emotional and slightly numb. with a nasty case of tonsillitis on the go, i spent the day trying to rest. sickness has a way of doing that to mums, trying to give you an outlet to suck up some much needed rest.
once the kids were safely at childcare and kinder, i painfully climbed into bed and snuggled up to something that has been hidden for at least 5 months. the scent, the warmth and the feel. closing my eyes, i imagined the last time she wore it. she probably didn' actually wear it, but it was next to other clothes she wore. and she must've walked past it many times a day when she was at home.
i wrapped the woollen garment around my shoulders, pretending it was one of her hugs. a combination of love with a smidge of smothering. how i wish i had that back.
i don't know why i've tried to hold in tears since mum passed away. i was always a "crier" before. today, i just couldn't cry. crying doesn't feel like enough anymore. crying was what i used to do. now my whole world has changed.
so i just laid there, in my dark room, listening to the storm pass. and thinking, i really feel lousy and i wish i could ring mum and sook. she'd give me advice that i already knew about or tell me to eat or drink something that i already was trying. she'd tell me to rest, which i was. she'd tell me to go to the doctors and get antibiotics, which i already did.
then i realized something. i may have moved past that place where i thought i was stuck, the place where i constantly needed mum's guidance and approval. and have ended up in a place where i just need her.
still no tears. this is a good thing. tears usually means irrational, upsetting thoughts for me and their absence today was much appreciated. already had a "crying headache" and hadn't even cried.
it's funny. i think about how i'm dealing with my emotions on "these days" and i am proud. i'm more rational than i've ever been, more calm than i was before. i'm making more sense, i'm relaxing more and really taking in each moment of my life, no matter how seemingly insignificant.
so snuggled up in her jumper, i closed my eyes and went to sleep. i didn't have my usual nightmares and upsetting thoughts about her, it was just a nice sleep. it's exactly what i needed on one of those crappy days.

Piece by Piece, I Let You Go

I had an ENORMOUS breakthrough yesterday. After it being recommended so many times over the last 6 months, I put my pride aside, shuffled my self-conscious thoughts to the left and had a bit of a group chat. With my parents.

This, on any other day, between any other daughter and mum/dad combo, would be quite normal. Mundane. But it's a whole new ball game when your parents are no longer living.

I always thought it was weird, for a friend or a colleague to say "I can see the turmoil in your eyes, you're finding it tough to let go, why don't you chat to Mum and Dad?" First of all, I have manners and prefer to look someone in the face, preferably eyes, when I speak to them. I can't do this with them! I don't like the sound of my own voice. They can't talk back! What if I cry? What do you mean IF Lauren, as IF you WON'T cry?!

So to say I thought this little chat I should supposedly undertake was weird was quite an understatement.
Weird's my forte, so I first of all thought I'd chat to Mum.

Driving home from work, I called out and asked if Mum could hear me, she'd need to listen for the next few minutes. This was the "conversation" that followed:

Hey Mum, so yeah, ummmmm, freaking out a little bit that this is the first time I've ummmmm started a conversation with you and you can't actually talk back.

Well, I miss you. I want you to come home. Ummmmm. I love you? I'm not sure what else to say because this is still a little, just a tad, slightly WEIRD. Anyway, I need to stop now and concentrate on the road. Bye.

And with that, I pulled up in the drive way and noticed that I did feel a bit numb. From the elbows down. I was shaking a little. Pulled myself together, took a deep breath and went inside for the night. Hmmmm, that went okay, I'm okay. Lightning didn't strike me down.

The next morning, I realized that if I wanted to find out if this "chat with the angels" convo thingy would work or help me, I'd really have to keep working at it. But I didn't for around 4 weeks.

Yesterday was the day I decided to talk to Mum again. This time, I was sitting at home, with my daughter asleep in her crib having her morning nap, husband at work and son playing happily (hopefully) at kinder.

Chat #2 as follows:

Mum, I'm back. Where the hell are you? And why haven't you given me any goddamn sign that you're somewhere safe? I'm pissed that you had to leave us. I'm pissed that you left me and someone somewhere thought you were needed elsewhere. I bloody need you here! (insert sobbing here)

I miss you Mum. And if Dad's with you, I'll get to you later, Dad. I miss you so much Mum that I feel like my chest is caving in, most days. Some days, I wake up and I can't even breathe, it's that bad. I used to feel so horrible when I listened to you speak about your Mum's death, now I'm living in that same kind of limbo.

(insert very dramatic crying here)

Anyway, I can't keep talking to you when I'm all by myself because you won't be able to understand me through all the crying so just give me a sign that you can hear and understand me.

*Ruby wakes up*- thanks Mum, not the sign I was after but hey, no worries.

So I stopped silent. Tears streaming down my face, I called my husband. Bawling like a tiny toddler, I explained to him that I'd just had a chat to Mum, which probably sounded more than a bit strange to him. He calmed me down and I got off the phone, wanting to ring him again, but I forced myself to turn off my phone.

It was not even five minutes later when I was watching a recorded episode of One Born Every Minute that I noticed something. The woman was about to have a C/S, she was expecting a little girl, was going to name her Ruby, and her mother's name was Margaret. I took this as my sign from Mum and immediately jumped back on the couch to talk to her again.

Calmly, I started again.

Hey Mum, it's just me again. I've just seen something really freaky on TV and thought I'd keep our conversation going. I've stopped crying, you'll be happy to know. If you can see me, you'll know that's a lie (wiping away rivers of tears now)

I wanted you to know that it wasn't my idea to talk to you this way. But I didn't know how else to let go of all this stuff I'm holding on to.

Someone said it would be good for me to tell you exactly how I'm feeling. So here goes. I love you Mum and I'm not angry with you for leaving. I acknowledge you were sad and lonely and that I couldn't fix you no matter how hard I tried. If I had've been there when you left, instead of Jen, who knows what would've happened. I know that I wouldn't have coped and I guess, as horrible as it was, that is a gift from Jen. She took those moments of utter pain from me so part of this really would be easier for me. So yeah, I am grateful.

I understand that even though I never wanted you to go and you are the only person who understood how much I needed you (and still do), I'm okay with what has happened. I can't change it. So I'm trying to move forward. Only baby steps but I am moving. Please understand that I know you would be so distressed to know you have left us too soon, but you don't have to be. Parts of your life were so distressing. I know that. I couldn't help you and I really wish I could fix you and have you back with us.

I have never missed anyone like I miss you. I can't believe it has happened, after 6 months of living in a dream land. Some days, I just stare in to space then close my eyes, hoping that when I open them, I'll have a missed call from you.

I have this recurring thought that somehow, you thought your life was a waste. I don't know why. But it wasn't Mum. It did end too soon, but look at who you brought up. Two women, two mothers and wives who really care about each other and really love their families. You've gotta be proud of that right? If we are your greatest achievement, that is awesome. I'm proud of you.

Half a box of tissues later, I said goodbye to a small piece of Mum and a small piece of myself. The piece that was stopping me from being able to voice how I've really felt after 6 months of intensely confusing times.

The piece I let go was a part of the sadness that I've felt. The part of me that stood by Mum's coffin that day after my 31st birthday, not knowing if it was actually her inside or if she would suddenly appear behind me with her warm hand on my shoulder in comfort and we'd grieve together for someone else whom we both knew and loved. I let go of the piece of me that hoped she was really still alive.

The part of disbelief that held onto that phone call from my sister "Lauren, Mum's dead". Those three words that I repeat every hour of every day. They are real now. I've been hoping it would sink it sometime soon. And now it has. My first real conversation with Mum, without her present. I let it go, with lots of tears and a lot of pain. And somehow I felt a little bit lighter.

The Same Look Gives a Different Perspective

I look at my children all day when I am with them. Master 5 gets slightly uncomfortable with this. But I don't care, they are only going to be this small and this cute for a short period of time in the scheme of life.

I look at my children when they are quiet and when they are noisy. I look at them with a quick glance, or I stare. I look at my children through glasses and through tears. I look at my babies with a smile on my face and often a scowl.

I feel warmth when my eyes are open. I close my eyes and enjoy the moment. Wow, did I really make these ethereal creatures? I feel the blood rush to my hands, head and feet. I really feel warmth and love when I see this blonde babies.

I look at my children when they are sleeping and when they aren't looking. They don't notice how much I watch them. I take every moment I can in. I see my past, present and future all at once and I'm overcome with emotion.

 I watch my children laugh and I can't help but smile. I see them cry and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I watch them soaking in pieces of world and learning more every day. I wish I could know what they are thinking from moment to moment.

I see their tired faces at bedtime and look forward to their good-morning-yawns when we wake with the sun. I watch their eyes light up when food is served and laugh at the mess they make at every opportunity.

I see the tiny smudged hand prints left on the mirror and on my phone screen. I watch their eyes move with the cartoon characters on the screen and love their rosy chubby cheeks bouncing around when they laugh.

I watch my children through the same eyes at every moment, yet I find different ways to love them every time. The best part of my day is closing my eyes at night and still envisioning their cherub faces.

Bless my little ones, I am so blessed to have perfect sight.

L
XO

If I Had More Time With Mum- My Top 10 Wishes

If I had more time with Mum, even if it was limited to ten moments, there are definitely some things I'd like to do with her and talk to her about.

1. I'd give her the longest possible cuddle.
2. I'd write down all the delicious recipes she used to cook before time got away from her
3. I'd spend time with just her and my daughter; three generations of women who love each other more than life itself. I'd show her the bond I have with Miss 8 Months is unbreakable and she is {lovingly & partly} responsible for it
4. I'd tell her {until she was sick of hearing it} that I am so proud of her and she couldn't have been a better Mother to me if she tried.
5. I'd take her to Port Douglas, my favourite place on Earth and a place I never got to share with my Mum. We'd sit there, drink some expensive wine and talk about the usual rubbish we always harped on about.
6. I'd take her to Liffy Street in Belfast- the place where she was born and she never got to go back to
7. I'd tell her her life was meaningful, that she didn't deserve such loss to come her way
8. I'd make her the best coffee she'd ever have in her life and just sit there listening to her voice, even if she was whinging.
9. I'd hold her hand in public. I was always too embarrassed to do this. But now I'd kill to have her right next to me.
10. I'd remind her that I will never ever forget any part of her or our time on Earth together. I'd cry and hold her, telling her that I've lost the biggest part of me that can't be replaced. But I'll be okay in time and that it is okay for me to let her go to where she is needed now.

Thinking of you Mum, I miss you so much my heart hurts. I dream about you almost every day and can't believe I won't see you again. I'm trying so hard to make it without you. I wish I could hear your voice.

Love you.

L
XO

Heavens To Betsy- Is Anybody Up There?

There is nothing more thought-provoking or confrontation-creating than a hearty discussion of religion. I've never bought into any of these discussions, thankfully. I was baptised and confirmed Anglican in my teenage years and my beliefs in "God", "Heaven" and the like were cemented in fantasy.

Heaven used to be somewhere I wanted to go when I left this world. A place filled with fluffy white clouds, people you've loved and lost are up there waiting for you and everyone is playful and happy. This fantasy filled me before I'd lost anyone and had time to realize that I've never seen, heard or smelled any proof that such a place is real. Well, as real as the Coles Supermarket is up the road from me.

As soon as I lost the first person who was dear to me, Heaven lost its charm for me. I didn't get any signs from him that he was "safely in the arms of angels" or hanging out with those he'd lost. He was just gone. And that's pretty much what I believe. That when we die, that's it. I've been studying three branches of Buddhism for around 7 years now and I'm still not convinced either way about all that Life and Death stuff. Who knows, it may take my whole life to cement my religious beliefs in something substantial. And all I know right now is death bloody sucks, for those left behind that is.

People visit places and label them "their Heaven on Earth". I don't know about you, but I'd like to use another word. Heaven is apparently a place the dead, the good dead, go to. And all our cute childhood pets. And childhood broken toys, according to Master 5. I don't want to die and I don't want to go to another place. I like Earth and being with my family just fine, thanks all the same.

What do people believe it is? Is it:
A) a metaphysical realm?
B) paradise or the firmament?
C) a cosmological or mythological place where the most beautiful beings apparently reside?
D) Far North Queensland
E) It's all of the above.

It's something nice to believe in, I guess. That there is more to our lives than birth, middle age, death and {maybe} rebirth. But I really do need proof. Graphical representations of those fluffy clouds, harp players and beautifully made up angels with perfect wings that we read about as children. Maybe a witty, descriptive, informative infographic will help me believe? Social media helps anyone believe in anything these days.

What happens to me if I don't believe? Well, probably nothing. If I don't believe in Heaven, I sure as {hell} can't believe in Hell. Will I end up in this weird middle-Earth kind of a place, stuck between my "real" life and my next life? I'm not sure if I believe we have a next life, because again, I've seen no proof.

How would I get into Heaven? There's no waiting list, or maybe life is the waiting list! Do I need to eat all my crusts? All my broccoli? Get straight HD's at uni? Save three lives? It should be direct-entry for good people. It's easy to be good, so I'm not sure how the place isn't overcrowded by now.

I honestly, jokes aside, think that people are taught to believe in Heaven out of fear of the unknown. No one knows what happens when we die. Do our souls journey on? Are we re-born? Do we inhabit another creature? Our bodies become useless in this world. I've always linked my mind {brain} to my body so my "belief" {in very loose terms} is that our minds are wiped out when we are. Most people need to believe that there is more than our present existence. Otherwise, why are we here, other than to love our family and friends? To succeed in our ventures? And to realize our dreams and reach our potentials?

Get real. You may be like me and need proof before you step foot into new ideas. But I believe, right now, that this life is it, and that's that. It's a beautiful thought to believe that my parents are sitting together up on a cloud, but I'd need proof to continue believing this through tough times.

Why am I so skeptical? Probably because I've lost a lot in my life and have been provided, nor actively sought after solid evidence that God or Heaven exists. I guess these losses may have others believe that I've become bitter and closed off to new ideas. My sense of security and confidence in the world and its ability to keep me and those I love safe have been tarnished. To me, these are just feelings we live with, thoughts that protect us from the harsh realities of the cycles of life and death. But I do believe it takes courage to stand up either way and say "Yes I believe" or "Nope, I really don't". I'm bravely admitting that once I die, I only exist in the memories of those who want to remember me. I'll have no use for my body, and my mind will go with it. My soul on the other hand, is the matter of another blog......stay tuned.

Using the word "heaven" is easy. If I were to believe that it was that beautifully perfect place in the sky that believers describe, I'd want to be there now. But no, I'll match it to my life down here on solid ground. My idea of Heaven is being surrounded by those who love me, being able to function on my own, being sound of mind and enjoying where my physical life will take me. Sounds more perfect to me than the unknown.

What religion do you classify as your own? Do you believe in God? Rebirth? Heaven and Hell? Why? or Why Not? What events in your life have cemented or shaken up your beliefs?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this broad topic, I really would.

L
xo

Coping with Sudden Loss

The concept of "coping" has different meanings to different people. To some, it means just surviving, and to others, it means thriving.

To me, it means getting by the best I can. And always from day to day, that's as far as I look forward.

I have been thinking about how I'd help a friend or family member cope in the face of a sudden loss, now that I've been trying this myself. And these are the most important things that came to mind.

1. Acceptance- Accept that people are individuals (now moreso than ever) and will therefore feel and cope differently with loss, even if they have happened to lose the same loved one or friend as yourself. People's experience of loss is varied, all because we have different perspectives on the world and how and where we fit in it. One thing you don't have to immediately accept is the loss itself. I didn't, in fact I still don't fully feel that my loved ones are physically gone. I know they are gone, it's just that I wish they were here so much. I do acknowledge their deaths and I believe that accepting the loss you face is to acknowledge how the person or people have become a different part of your emotional or spiritual life.
2. Time- Take your time, time will be on your side. Try not to look too far forward into the future. It is okay to take baby steps and "take each day as it comes", as the old saying goes.
3. Calm- Take deep breaths when the world is threatening to eat you up. Stop where you are, take a seat or lay down, close your eyes and let the bad moments flow past you. Then go easy on yourself. There is no set amount of time in which you are supposed to be back on your feet.
4. Talk- Talk or don't talk, it's up to you. Some people feel the need to release, some really need to retreat inside themselves. Either way, you will know what is best for you at the time. And even if you don't know, you will work out what works for you. Seek professional help if you think you may benefit. There is no harm in having a chat with someone outside of your familiar circles and if you don't feel comfortable going forward in this professional relationship, either take a break until you're ready or don't go back. It's all up to you and no one will pressure you to "have your head read".
5. Confidence- Your sense of security in the world and your confidence may have taken a beating if you've lost someone suddenly, without closure, without a goodbye or without that last special moment together. You may feel that anxious grip of "who or what will leave me next". It's common to feel this way. I've felt this way for a long time but have time and time again gone back to Step 2- I take my time, don't beat myself up and reassure myself that I can cope (with or without the help of others) with what life will throw at me next.
6. Look after yourself- even if you don't feel like it. Sleep when you need to rest. Drink plenty of water. Eat small snacks or light meals to keep up your strength. Have a good cry. Do what you feel like doing, as long as you and those around you are out of harm's way. Get some fresh air and go for a walk. Get your blood flowing and let the air help clear your mind. Sit out in the sunshine or watch the rain through a window, just sit in peace and take a few deep breaths.
7. Family & friends- don't push your loved ones away. Let them know you need space if that's what you need. It's important to keep lines of communication as open as possible. Tell people what you need and when you need it.
8. Your loved one- don't avoid reminders of them. In the beginning, you might not want to hear their name, see their possessions where they last left them or hear their voice on your phone's voicemail. But later you might. These lasting memories might help you through the latter stages of your grief. You might find comfort in these things.
9. Patience and tolerance- these things might push you to new kinds of limits. It is important to recognise when you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and others.
10. Flexibility- there is no right or wrong way to grieve for your loved one. There is no textbook that will describe your exact feelings and how and when you should feel them. Go with the flow. If you don't feel like getting out of bed, sleep in that little bit longer. If you want time alone, ask. Let all expectations go and just be open to really feeling how you feel from moment to moment. There is no pressure to "get over it".

You might be feeling like you've been ripped off. And you have. You didn't get the chance to say goodbye. You didn't get that last moment. And no, it's not okay. But you will be okay, with the help of some relaxation, good friends, loving family and believing that your body and mind will show you what they need to grow from this difficult experience.

Try to think about what you have learnt from the loss, but not straight away. Give yourself time. Think about how your life will be different and what you want to do to make the most of your time and energy.

I can't stress enough that if you've faced a loss that is swift and stings, listen to your body and let it lead the way.

Have you faced a sudden loss? How do you view the world differently now?

L

xo