Coping with Sudden Loss

The concept of "coping" has different meanings to different people. To some, it means just surviving, and to others, it means thriving.

To me, it means getting by the best I can. And always from day to day, that's as far as I look forward.

I have been thinking about how I'd help a friend or family member cope in the face of a sudden loss, now that I've been trying this myself. And these are the most important things that came to mind.

1. Acceptance- Accept that people are individuals (now moreso than ever) and will therefore feel and cope differently with loss, even if they have happened to lose the same loved one or friend as yourself. People's experience of loss is varied, all because we have different perspectives on the world and how and where we fit in it. One thing you don't have to immediately accept is the loss itself. I didn't, in fact I still don't fully feel that my loved ones are physically gone. I know they are gone, it's just that I wish they were here so much. I do acknowledge their deaths and I believe that accepting the loss you face is to acknowledge how the person or people have become a different part of your emotional or spiritual life.
2. Time- Take your time, time will be on your side. Try not to look too far forward into the future. It is okay to take baby steps and "take each day as it comes", as the old saying goes.
3. Calm- Take deep breaths when the world is threatening to eat you up. Stop where you are, take a seat or lay down, close your eyes and let the bad moments flow past you. Then go easy on yourself. There is no set amount of time in which you are supposed to be back on your feet.
4. Talk- Talk or don't talk, it's up to you. Some people feel the need to release, some really need to retreat inside themselves. Either way, you will know what is best for you at the time. And even if you don't know, you will work out what works for you. Seek professional help if you think you may benefit. There is no harm in having a chat with someone outside of your familiar circles and if you don't feel comfortable going forward in this professional relationship, either take a break until you're ready or don't go back. It's all up to you and no one will pressure you to "have your head read".
5. Confidence- Your sense of security in the world and your confidence may have taken a beating if you've lost someone suddenly, without closure, without a goodbye or without that last special moment together. You may feel that anxious grip of "who or what will leave me next". It's common to feel this way. I've felt this way for a long time but have time and time again gone back to Step 2- I take my time, don't beat myself up and reassure myself that I can cope (with or without the help of others) with what life will throw at me next.
6. Look after yourself- even if you don't feel like it. Sleep when you need to rest. Drink plenty of water. Eat small snacks or light meals to keep up your strength. Have a good cry. Do what you feel like doing, as long as you and those around you are out of harm's way. Get some fresh air and go for a walk. Get your blood flowing and let the air help clear your mind. Sit out in the sunshine or watch the rain through a window, just sit in peace and take a few deep breaths.
7. Family & friends- don't push your loved ones away. Let them know you need space if that's what you need. It's important to keep lines of communication as open as possible. Tell people what you need and when you need it.
8. Your loved one- don't avoid reminders of them. In the beginning, you might not want to hear their name, see their possessions where they last left them or hear their voice on your phone's voicemail. But later you might. These lasting memories might help you through the latter stages of your grief. You might find comfort in these things.
9. Patience and tolerance- these things might push you to new kinds of limits. It is important to recognise when you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and others.
10. Flexibility- there is no right or wrong way to grieve for your loved one. There is no textbook that will describe your exact feelings and how and when you should feel them. Go with the flow. If you don't feel like getting out of bed, sleep in that little bit longer. If you want time alone, ask. Let all expectations go and just be open to really feeling how you feel from moment to moment. There is no pressure to "get over it".

You might be feeling like you've been ripped off. And you have. You didn't get the chance to say goodbye. You didn't get that last moment. And no, it's not okay. But you will be okay, with the help of some relaxation, good friends, loving family and believing that your body and mind will show you what they need to grow from this difficult experience.

Try to think about what you have learnt from the loss, but not straight away. Give yourself time. Think about how your life will be different and what you want to do to make the most of your time and energy.

I can't stress enough that if you've faced a loss that is swift and stings, listen to your body and let it lead the way.

Have you faced a sudden loss? How do you view the world differently now?

L

xo