one of "those" days....

9 degrees, hailstones, intermittent sunshine and icy cold winds. raining most of the day, grey skies and dark, angry clouds. happy monday everyone.
i finished the day as i started it: weary, emotional and slightly numb. with a nasty case of tonsillitis on the go, i spent the day trying to rest. sickness has a way of doing that to mums, trying to give you an outlet to suck up some much needed rest.
once the kids were safely at childcare and kinder, i painfully climbed into bed and snuggled up to something that has been hidden for at least 5 months. the scent, the warmth and the feel. closing my eyes, i imagined the last time she wore it. she probably didn' actually wear it, but it was next to other clothes she wore. and she must've walked past it many times a day when she was at home.
i wrapped the woollen garment around my shoulders, pretending it was one of her hugs. a combination of love with a smidge of smothering. how i wish i had that back.
i don't know why i've tried to hold in tears since mum passed away. i was always a "crier" before. today, i just couldn't cry. crying doesn't feel like enough anymore. crying was what i used to do. now my whole world has changed.
so i just laid there, in my dark room, listening to the storm pass. and thinking, i really feel lousy and i wish i could ring mum and sook. she'd give me advice that i already knew about or tell me to eat or drink something that i already was trying. she'd tell me to rest, which i was. she'd tell me to go to the doctors and get antibiotics, which i already did.
then i realized something. i may have moved past that place where i thought i was stuck, the place where i constantly needed mum's guidance and approval. and have ended up in a place where i just need her.
still no tears. this is a good thing. tears usually means irrational, upsetting thoughts for me and their absence today was much appreciated. already had a "crying headache" and hadn't even cried.
it's funny. i think about how i'm dealing with my emotions on "these days" and i am proud. i'm more rational than i've ever been, more calm than i was before. i'm making more sense, i'm relaxing more and really taking in each moment of my life, no matter how seemingly insignificant.
so snuggled up in her jumper, i closed my eyes and went to sleep. i didn't have my usual nightmares and upsetting thoughts about her, it was just a nice sleep. it's exactly what i needed on one of those crappy days.