Change.

I've been quiet on the personal writing/blogging front lately as I've been battling some inner demons away from technology.

I feel empowered in sharing my daily stories with whoever chooses to read them but lately, I've been looking within to find some solutions to minor issues that have arisen.

I say minor, you'd probably say game-changing. I'm battling through a crisis point at present. The realities of the last 9 months have dawned on me. I had a baby and was having the time of my life. I was so much more relaxed this time and my panic attacks had lessened tenfold. Well, I'd say they almost disappeared. I had been suffering from panic disorder since 2006 when I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. These issues stemmed from the loss of my father, despite the fact that I've always had some kind of anxiety within me.

When my daughter was born, I realized that this was it, time to get it right as I was not going to ever mother a newborn of my own again. And I did it get it right. In my opinion, I did a great job through all the breast feeding issues, a battle with Raynaud's Phenomenon and severe rheumatoid arthritis which is now encasing most of my most useful joints. I was mothering in the best way possible my almost five year old Kinder Boy and my newborn, perfect daughter. I was not really stressing as much over little things, was sleeping a bit better, was enjoying exercise and was happy with my life.

Then as most of you may know, my Mum died and life became quite unbearable and chaotic. Despite having my husband and younger sister to talk to, I didn't feel like I could talk to them and be understood like when I spoke to my Mum. So I started bottling feelings up that were too painful or writing when I felt up to it. I still don't feel understood because I acknowledge that pain is subjective and no one can feel exactly what I do.

A couple of months before Christmas, I started having panic attacks again. I would think about dying and leaving my kids with little to no memory of my time with them. I would think about how I had made nothing of my life to this point, even though I've done so much. I'd have terrifying nightmares about the deaths of my parents which set me into a fog of sadness every morning.  I cried my way to and from work for weeks. I'd want to sleep to end the day but didn't want the day to end because that was one step closer to my kids not needing me anymore. Then it would be my time to go and I didn't want to die. That's how entrapped in my feelings I was. It is mental torture and I had no way of zoning out unless I was at work away from my loved ones.

I thought I was going through an existential crisis. I'm 31 and wondering where I am off to in life. Like I've said before, I'm now on the other side of my childbearing years, even though I long to have another one or two precious little ones to cherish and that makes me sad. Not just "sad face" sad, it makes me "stay up at night" sad.

I've always had a good memory and in a way, I have used the losses in my life in an important way. I focus on detail, I plan and I research. And I make every little thing important. That way, when something horrible happens, I can remember details and relive certain times. It helps me immensely. This isn't helpful however when I continuously and subconsciously recount the moments when I lost my parents. I'll be driving in my car and my heart will suddenly start thumping. I don't panic, I just recognize the sadness that is a part of me now. And it bloody hurts and tears come to sting my eyes until I have to pull off the road.

Mind you, I'm not sad every waking moment. I'm really not. But lately, I've been feeling different and unsettled. I feel very lost. I feel like I have no one in the world who understands my feelings, my thoughts and why I am who I am, even though my husband and sister have watched me change.

I can't say I'm strong to be able to get up in the morning and get on with life. Some days, I can't be bothered, but I put that down to being a Mum to two little ones. I don't use the losses I've felt in my life to lay blame for the decisions or changes I've made. I've had to alter my whole outlook and some very poignant beliefs and parts of me to cope day to day and I've wanted to change. This last year just forced me to.

I wanted to change and keep changing so I can grow and live a full life. If I kept going the way I was, I'd be a ball of nerves and unable to leave the house. Or I'd be dead from panic and stress. It is a big deal for me to be able to admit there were times in my life that had my stomach and mind in knots but it's part of my history.

I really want to live and I really want to be healthy. I know what makes me happy and even though I don't know what I want right now, I know that it is important for me to just get through one day, or even hour, at a time.

Until someone said to me "What you've faced in the last decade, at your age, is huge. Don't deny that and don't pretend", I didn't acknowledge how much everything has changed for me.

I'm afraid to talk about Mum anymore for fear of breaking down, but I can tell you this. Please let me share my days with you, it's helping me cope. I don't want any more days where I feel like floating away and disappearing. I want to be present and to be a great Mum, the greatest my kids could have. They deserve all of me, not just a part of me.

L
xo