My Mother's Legacy

I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much. Too much of something isn't usually good. In the case, I'm undecided.

I'm in the midst of a self-diagnosed existential crisis. Questioning my existence, questioning the point of life, being afraid of death, and being more afraid to be apart from my children. Being unsure of where life is headed and feeling like there is no clear direction for me. Feeling at times like I'm stuck in a moment in time and clearly not enjoying it very much.

I expected this. Once the fog of my mother's passing lifted slightly, I knew the reality would hit me smack-bang between the eyes. This is it in life. This is my life. There are no second chances or second opportunities. No re-runs or practice matches. This is it. Once it's over, it's over. As horribly blunt as that reads, truth be told, that's it.

All it took to come to this realization was the passing of our first Christmas and New Years Day without Mum and here I am, sitting in bed with too many worries, a bit of stress and a few tears, a long to-do list, representative of my desire to keep physically and mentally busy and an untouched glass of wine.

I don't know who would care or who would listen or fully understand and figured writing about this was my best option. I've had a horrible feeling since Mum died that she believed or was made to believe that she was worthless and her life lacked meaning. That because she was a mother and grandmother above all else, that the rest of her life slid quietly into some forgotten backdrop.

If I got the chance to scream from a rooftop, I would shout. Mum, being the best mother you could possibly be to your daughters was enough. Raising us {at times, basically alone} was enough. Mothering is a bloody hard job and you raised us through some very trying circumstances. Please don't accept anything other than the truth. You lived for us and you loved us and that was more than enough.

You can't take your qualifications with you. I'm sure no one cares when you went to university in Heaven, if Heaven exists. I'm sure no one cares about where you lived or the car you drove or the fact that you'd prefer op-shopping over brand shopping any day, in Heaven.

Your life, the losses you faced, the happiness you felt and the love in your heart, the lessons you taught us and the advice you gifted, all forms part of how I will think of you in the days and years to come. I don't want to feel like you don't exist now because you're not here physically. You continue to exist in my heart and in my mind. As long as I think of you, you are here with me.

A legacy is the gift you pass down or pass along. Mum's gifts to me are rich and vast. The story line of her life. The choices, both good and bad, she made. It all intertwines to form a group of lessons that she taught me, sometimes without even knowing or uttering a word.

There are things Mum did in her life {ie smoking} that I will avoid. So as she sat there telling me not to smoke {she didn't actually ever have to say don't smoke, I couldn't stand it from the beginning anyway!}, I was learning from her. I watched her life change and her priorities change and I learned a lot. I learned what I wanted to do and how I wanted to grow in life and how I didn't want to follow in her footsteps in some ways.

The most important thing I watched as I grew up with Mum was the way she treated people and what she felt was important and precious in life. She thought and her acted with her heart. Her actions always came from a good place. Her temper sometimes flared, but usually only if someone used or abused her. She held grudges, even though she said she didn't.

I want Mum to know that her gift to me was just being with me and allowing me to share in her life so I could learn from her. That's all I ever needed. To learn and be taught. Being loved was never a question. I always felt loved by her and to this day, I've never felt warmth from another human being as I did from Mum.

I re-read the words I spoke from my Mum's funeral service a few nights ago. As I choked back tears, I realized something very poignant. I've grown. I've changed in some many ways and I've learned many important lessons. I've tweaked my attitude and personality in ways which others might not notice, but to me, I've really changed. I feel decidedly different. I;m not the same person who weakly stood at the chapel altar and poured my heart out in front of a large group of friends and family. I'm not the same person who couldn't understand why I didn't get to say goodbye to Mum or was too frightened to see her in the flesh or too terrified to contemplate my future as an "young adult orphan"{ or so LifeLine labelled me}, for want of a better term.

So with this, I can proudly say that my Mother's Legacy lives in me, has become a part of me and will never leave. Strength, reflection, the courage to cry and ask for help {something Mum rarely did, willingly} and the power to keep stepping forward, even when I want to step back.

I never thought I'd come this far after losing my soul mate in life. I never thought I could get backin any way to my life after saying goodbye to my best friend, the extention of my heart. But I've made it through, tears and all. Whether you realize or not, your own Mother is the closest link to your childhood and your past. And when that person you can reflect with has passed, your memories and thoughts, as well as pictures and a few precious belongings become your past and something you treasure and keep close.

Mum, this is who I am and it's because of you, the way you lived your life, the lessons you helped me learn and your love that I'm now okay.

Love you always and miss you more with each passing day. The heart break is overwhelmingly punishing but there are times where all I do is smile because I remember I was lucky to have you at all. So bloody lucky.

Fly free, Beautiful Girl.

Lug
xo