Day #7 & #8- I have Super Powers.

And like magic, I am in control of my feelings. Nothing is getting to me anymore. I'm calm and focused. Even when I'm having a "moment" {a collective of seconds or minutes where I am thinking about Mum and Dad}, I can talk myself out of panic. I used to live so crippled in fear that I wasted time and wished it away, just so the bad moments would have less chance of finding me.

I haven't felt so relaxed in years. I'm in love, I'm happy and I'm carefree. My concentration and memory have improved. My motivation has skyrocketed and I'm content with what I have, what I don't have and with what I want and don't want in my life.

It feels great to finally feel in some sort of control of my emotions. I say how I feel, without thinking about other people first. If something needs to be said, I will say it. I don't care what other people think anymore. I'm not letting people's opinions guide my life.

I have been having nightmares about my Mum again. I had one this afternoon and I was so crippled by fear, I couldn't even tell my husband what happened. I went quiet, walked outside and sat in the warm sun with my eyes close until I felt I had calmed down and could cope again. It worked. Some deep breaths, a cool glass of water, some sun on my bare shoulders and I was okay again. I haven't forgotten what happened in the nightmare and I probably never will. But that's okay. I'm really starting to believe that dreams have very deep, significant meanings and I'd like to think that those with whom we want to communicate the most and most likely can't in every day life, come to visit us in our dreams to give us messages and to show us what and who is important.

Why else would my dreams have the same recurring theme? 18 times over, I have had this nightmare/dream. I'm being told something or subconsciously, I am thinking something that I am too afraid to confront in my waking life.

Now that I don't live in fear of anything, it's time to confront all this head on.

Happiness is really something that we should all seek and we should all work on. It doesn't always come easily. I've faced a lot in my life. I've been in abusive relationships. I've lost those I love the most. I've faced significant depression, anxiety and panic. I've had an eating disorder to learn to overcome. There's not much I can't do.

I know I can do it and this weekend just proves it. I can live a happy, peaceful life and learn from the bad times. It's a bad moment, not a bad life. Just take them as they are and move forward.

Cheers to the good times in life, I'm so thankful so all the good things in my life right now.

L
xo

Day #6- November 15th, 2013- Rites of Passage. Tick!

So today, with only 4 weeks to go until the end of the year, I did my first kindergarten duty at my boy's pre-school. I had the time of my life, I think I had more fun than the kids! {and was probably more tired by home time than they were; goodness, I had to come home to a warm fire and a cuppa after playing outside in the rain and in the sandpit}

Twenty-two 4 & 5 year old boys and girls at 830am on a Friday: can't beat the energy level in that room. It made me buzz with delight. I never EVER have energy that early, I usually take a while to warm up but I was on fire. Yelling out the rules of tiggy, hide-n-seek and Duck Duck Goose. Laughing and giggling with the girls when they talked about the boys in their class. Giving out cuddles to those who fell and scraped their knees trying to run and keep up with the others.

I'm not sure what it is like for parents around the world, but in Australia, "kinder duty" I think is a rite of passage for any Mum. In the old days {when I was a kinder girl}, kinder duty involved coming in to kinder during a morning session, cutting up fruit {usually apples, bananas and oranges} and pouring glasses of milk for all the kids. Then you'd serve all the kids their healthy snacks, maybe read a story to the kids then go home.

Today was the time of my life because every kid, like TWENTY TWO of them, listened to me and more importantly, had exciting news for me and wanted me to join in their games.

My son was pumped I was there, and he was a pleasure to be around. The teachers saw my presence as a welcome break from this busily active group of dreamers and I happily took over the fun and games. I'd lost my voice by 11am but was so happy to be out in the weather.

I forgot how magical it was to be 4 and 5 years old and the biggest drama in your life was either waiting for a swing, trying to get sand from the sand pit out of your shoes and not being happy with the snacks Mum has packed for you.

I have a good memory {usually} and can remember a few things about my kinder year at Roycroft Kindergarten. I loved reading stories and story time. I loved my Mum bringing my sister in for kinder duty so I could show all my friends how big I was as a big sister {I was the smallest of all my friends}. I loved playing "families", "shops" and "schools" with my friends Cassandra, Belinda and Elizabeth.

I ended up remaining friends with these girls until we all went to different schools for our high school years. I remember being chosen as Mary {as in Jesus' mum} for our end-of-year kinder play. I had one line, which my Mum reminded me of many MANY times as I grew older. "Well that'll have to do then", I said to my pretend-husband Joseph {one of my friends who was chosen to be Joseph purely because his name was actually Joseph} of the stable I was to pretend to give birth to my dolly baby Jesus in front of all the kids' parents.

I remember hatching chicks in incubators, playing with bunnies in the play yard, doing lots of paintings, writing stories, playing dress-ups.

I look back tonight at this magical, dreamy time and push myself to try and remember every detail. It seems like so long ago, it was 27 years ago to be exact. Clearly my life until now, like most people's I imagine, has gone by really quickly. Until this week, I have always worried about the future and reflected too deeply on the past. I've taught myself and learnt the hard way that this very second is the most important in my life. Blink and you will miss so much. In my mind, I feel like I'm about 19 or 20 years old and I love it. My body doesn't feel so young thanks to some pretty hefty arthritic patches. And after two children, ouch. It just doesn't keep up with me as well as it used to.

I can't describe how time going by quickly make me feel. It scares me. I don't want my life to ever be over. Life is too short. You really only get one chance at every thing. You can go back and re-attempt to create moments in your life but really, one time is all you get. At everything. So just enjoy yourself, don't sweat the small stuff and don't look back unless it's to fondly remember how privileged you are to be living right now.

Day #5 - I've Enjoyed Today

Today has been great.

I've enjoyed being with my two little ones.
I enjoyed a burger with my son.
I enjoyed almost falling asleep on the couch when we got home.
I enjoyed eating a meal with no interruptions.
I enjoyed hearing my husband say he'd bath the kids and put them to bed so I could go out and spend some time by myself.
I enjoyed the quiet.

Now I'm enjoying a crushed pear and grapefruit cider, some camembert and Angry Boys on DVD.

Ahhhhhh. Happy Thursday.

Hope you all had a relaxing day and nothing got to you!

L
XO

Day #4- Coming Home.

I had a great, busy day at work. The rain on the roof really helped me get into a routine and I was on a roll and didn't stop til home time. Worked on my breaks, kept quiet and head down-bum up happened.

On my way out the door, I felt a bit of a buzz. I missed my kids! I normally just focus on work, otherwise I'd probably fall apart in misery from thinking about what my kids were up to without me.

I basically ran through puddles, nearly got hit by two cars to get to my stop and get on the first tram back to my car.

The whole tram ride home was spent looking through photos I'd taken of my kids on my phone.

It felt like I floated to my car and sped at 300kms an hour back to where they were waiting for my husband and I to come and get them.

So in love. My son's laugh and my daughter's smile make my day. My son's hugs and my daughter's giggles make my life.

Could I ever be more in love with them if I tried? Yes. Every day!

20 Truths about Me

1. I have {and certainly don't suffer from} anxiety and panic disorder which I proudly now manage without medication. The worst panic attack I had was over my son growing older {he was only 4 weeks at the time}, it was, looking back, totally irrational because it's something I can't control. I used to need to feel in control.
2. Sometimes I like sleeping more than being awake.
3. Music is the next important thing in line to me after my family, my friends and our health.
4. I am emetophobic {petrified of vomiting} and it was professionally diagnosed
5. I can play 8 instruments
6. When my sister and I were small, we joked about who would we live with if our parents divorced. I chose my mum {because my dad couldn't braid my hair for school}
7. I wanted two children from the time I was five. I wanted two boys and they were going to have the names Riley and Harrison. And now that I have a boy AND a girl, I'm perfectly content that I got one of each
8. My biggest fear {other than my emetophobia} was losing my parents. Now I fear nothing.
9. I joke about everything. Even sad things. Actually, especially sad, awkward things.
10. I talk a lot. Everyone I know would say I talk too much.
11. I could never be a vegetarian even though I rarely eat meat.
12. I am extremely messy. I leave piles of my things everywhere. Yet I have super neat writing and am perfectly organized at work.
13. I don't know at this point if I will ever go back to nursing, even though it's what I wanted my entire life
14. I sometimes put about 6 tablespoons of milo in a mug of milk- it's my treat
15. I hate smoking. And people who don't respect my right to hate smoking
16. I want to see more of Australia before I travel overseas again. In fact, I don't have a great desire to go outside of Australia, I love it too much
17. It has taken me my whole life to be confident in who I am- I was teased a lot in my first years of high school which didn't bother me until I realized years later how cruel those people were and how much it affected me and how I expressed my feelings in public
18. I have to wash my hair every day, even if it doesn't need it
19. I really want to start cycling
20. I don't feel my beliefs fit with one certain faith, I'm secretly hoping that there is a religion out there for me that encompasses everything I believe in. I need proof to believe my parents and other lost loved ones are either still with me or in some kind of Heaven

Day #3 November 12, 2013- Coping versus Surviving: there's no difference to me

Coping and surviving are the same thing to me. I'm always at one end of the spectrum. Living it up, laughing, having the time of my life or MEH, just hanging in there. I'm determined to find a healthy balance where my way of life is to just have the time of my life, like 95% of the time. Otherwise what is the point?

Daily life and the bigger, larger, more difficult or humbling events in life can be a struggle for even the toughest person. Sometimes people wish they had more. More time, more money, more friends, more children, more work, more leisure, more holidays. More sleep. More justice. More answers. Sometimes some people want less. Less hassle, {everyone} always wants less drama, less bills to pay. We all want less heart ache. Less death and destruction. Less crime on the street. Less crime behind closed doors. Less chatter. Less work. Less fighting.

Finding ways to cope and exploring options seems to be what my life is all about these days. I need to find ways to fall asleep, to exercise more, to have less travel time to and from work. I need to cope with raging emotions and floods of tears at the most inconvenient of times.

I need to cope with people who at times know less about common decency and common sense than anyone I've encountered. I need to cope with ratty tired children, when I'm the one who should be laying down for an afternoon nap.

I have learnt over the years to cope with ill health, with which I seem to experience a lot of. My immune system was weakened as a child on an abundance of powerful medications and now I pay the price. A bad night's sleep could mean three days of aching pain, fevers, migraines and general misery.

I think about ways to cope with loss and difficult or awkward moments in my life and how I will move forward. I break everything down into very tiny parts and work on each part until I get my head around it.

When I was fearful about having a C-Section with my second child, I put it down to the fear of not knowing and the fear of not being in control. So I researched and planned and I controlled the small parts that I was able to and let the rest be. I survived and it was a perfect birth experience. I couldn't have asked for better, in fact.

I prepared for the loss of my father in a very graphic way. I pictured how he might pass away, the surroundings, his face and his body, the emotions I'd feel, the hurt I'd feel and the pain in which I'd watch my mother lose the love of her life. It was so graphic it kept me up at night. You may think it's unusual to be thinking about all this but I've always thought ahead and thought of the worst and most of the time, it's kept me sane.

So when Dad finally did pass away, it was a horrifying time but not as horrifying as what it would've been had I not have prepared myself. It worked and I'm so glad that I dealt with what was happening as it was happening, rather than hide away from the reality.

When I have to cope with awkward situations, I get very tense. I replay a lot of what I think will happen in my head, a variety of scenarios. It might seem unnecessary to many people who are reading this but if it works, I say stick with it.

I talk a lot when I'm anxious, in the hope that I make a funny joke to lighten the load or break the ice. Humour is a coping mechanism I rely on. I make jokes when I hurt myself. I make jokes when I'm trying not to cry. My sister and I made jokes through the planning of our mother's funeral service, I guess because that's the only way we knew how to get by at the time.

Coping mechanisms can be gut reactions to what you are seeing, feeling and thinking. These mechanisms defend your body and mind against the onslaught of physical and mental anguish. I'm glad I've never been one to really bottle up feelings, I like talking and talking helps me. That is one way in which I try to cope.

Surviving to me means just getting by each day. Not really enjoying what's going on, just clinging by the skin of your teeth to your life. Or life is taking you for a ride rather than you controlling where you go in life. Coping is a temporary form of surviving.

We need to cope to get past hurt, pain and torment. We need to cope to help others cope, to lead by example. We need to cope to feel better. We need to cope mostly because we don't get a choice or rather, don't like the alternative.

The alternative to not coping is being acopic. Increased stress, increased tension, and mental strain are not things I want more of in my life. No gains can be made if you can't focus on what you need to do and who you need to be. If I can just cope through some minor rough moments, I'm usually okay. I like the sense of achievement I get when I get through a bad day. It's a small win.

If you link up all the small wins, you can be proud of something really quite huge in your life. If you don't give up, you will get there and you will be happy.

It's not all about believing, even though self-belief is a major part of coping with difficult times and people. It's about stamina, attainable goals and being proud of who you are and what you've achieved at the end of the day.

Small steps. One step at a time. I focus on one star in the sky rather than the universe as a whole. Each small step will get you to a better place. Some days, it's okay to just feel off. It's okay to have bad days. What is not okay is to let the bad days keep rolling for so long that you can no longer see the light. And to relish in bad days is not okay. We don't need to play victim to our emotions, we can take control, even if for a short while.

Be kind to yourself and be patient. Trust your instincts and listen to your inner voice. Remember every valuable piece of information you've been given and use it. It might not have meant much to you back then but it could be your saving grace. In the end, you can only love yourself and pray that others love you for who you are and for who you want to be.

Take a deep breath. Go for a walk in the fresh air. Call a friend. Draw a picture. Colour in. Write a letter. Play a game. Exercise. Have a slice of cake. Ask for help. Don't ever be afraid to deal with situations a piece at a time. There is no harm in asking for help. There is no gain from feeling overwhelmed.

Remember that bad moments pass and that you're never given any challenge that you can't face. Don't let your feelings build up to a point where you just might explode. Just take a second and regroup. Talk, write, have a cry or take a nap. Let a few quiet moments pass and things will look brighter.Think about what makes you happy and don't avoid the pain or the awkward situations. Everything works together to make you a stronger version of yourself.

You don't have to listen when people say "there is always someone worse off than yourself". When you are hurting or grieving for something or someone you have lost, you are thinking of yourself and rightfully so. Pain is subjective and you can't really feel it for someone else. You can only support other people in their difficult times and request the same support in return.

Take every small win and move forward. There's much to be gained from looking at what you can do and have done rather than what you can't.

L
xo

Photo A Day- "Clouds" {I Wish Mine Looked Like This Today}

It's a grey dreary day in Melbourne this morning and my view from my room isn't the greatest. I wish it would either rain or become Spring like it should have been for the last almost three months!

Summer hits us in 3 weeks and the warm buzz is still nowhere to be found......

L
xo