Monday, November 18, 2013
Day #9- Beaming.
I don't read as much as I want to. I went through a stage when I couldn't keep my head out of books. I went through a stage where I downloaded a book a day {thanks Amazon}. But with two small Goblins, one a fair bit tinier than the other, as well as a fledgling small business and a part time job on the go, reading falls by the wayside.
Over the last two and a bit months, I've managed to read my first {gulp} "self help"-style books. I was looking for books about women, parenting and motherless daughters.
The first I managed to get through was "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. It was FANTASTIC and I really felt connected to the messages in the book. I even highlighted pages on my Kindle App, I was that exited that I'd found something to help me feel less alone at the time. I then got through "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair. More depressing than the first, but the messages got through to me just as loud and clear.
It's hard to not feel alone when the person you felt the most connected to in your life dies. Who do I go to for comfort? Who do I talk to when I want to tell someone that I feel ripped off, scared, depressed and alone?
These two books were comfort to me. They informed me {not reminded me} that clearly, I'm not the first and only person to face the loss of a parent {or both parents} at a young age. So I'm not alone and my thoughts are not rare or unusual.
Sometimes, I wish I could switch off. I think about my parents every waking minute. Sometimes the thoughts bug me and upset me to the point of tears, but mostly the thought of them makes me silent. I take a gulp of fresh air, close my eyes and be still until the pain subsides. It's strange how I actually feel physical pain when thinking of my parents, when it's a combination of sadness, grief, disbelief, anxiety and depression.
I don't believe I'm clinically depressed. I do however believe I'm grieving. And right in the middle of a bad patch. Grief is good in a way, it provides you with the emotions and thoughts to really accept the loss you've had. It makes you slow down. If I didn't slow down during these bad patches, I'd surely collapse.
Sometimes, when the thoughts of my angel parents hide for a while, I feel like I am not scared of anything. And it really feels good. When Dad died, I felt guilty for smiling. I felt guilty for laughing, even for enjoying a meal. Because Dad wasn't here to enjoy the same small pleasures. When Mum died, I realized that there is no point in feeling this guilt. It won't get me anywhere but a bad place I don't want to be. I've found a place in my mind and my soul where I feel free.
I'd like to go for a day without feeling this grief. It's so overwhelming and all consuming. If I let it, it turns me into a tired mess, one who doesn't want to get out of bed.
I've learnt to accept that my feelings about what has happened to our family can change at any moment. I need to just go with it. Not fighting the grief is the key to surviving it. I don't want to live with depression and anxiety. My kids have every right to have a happy, healthy Mum, one who is there in mind and body for them. I know as they grow and get to understand what we've all faced {if I've taught them enough about living with compassion in their hearts}, they may be sensitive to the issues and not be hard on me for having a rough day. As long as they know that they were the ones to pull me through this, everything will be okay.
I have a thirst for life, a thirst for sunshine and peace. I want to feel every breath enter and exit my lungs. I love silence but can't get home quick enough each day to hear my babies laughing and chattering away.
Mum and Dad would want a happy life for us. They would wish us peace, love and comfort. If they were here, they would be encouraging me to be the best possible wife, mother, sister and friend I can be. They wouldn't let me slack off. I can't afford to. What if I died tomorrow? That's why EVERY SINGLE DAY has to be peaceful and beautiful.
Mum and Dad, I say this to you both. I let you go now. I will never stop grieving for you both. I will always love you both and miss you both so much my heart hurts. I am so proud to be your daughter. You are both with me every step of my life. I will not forget you both. I wish you were here with us. There is nothing more either of you could have done to be better parents. You supported me, you loved me, you were strict and you were loving at the same time. To lose both of you within 9 years is something I cannot comprehend. I never thought my life would be this way at age 31. And yes, it is painful that you are both no longer here. Very painful. But yours is a love story that I will tell my children with warmth in my heart and their children will know how much you loved each other. My children and my grandchildren will know you both as if you were here to show them who you were in the flesh. It makes me beam with pride to talk about you both. You mean so much to me, everything to me.
I will be there for my sister for all of her days. I will be her friend, a support to her and will be there when and if she needs me. I am proud of her. I enjoy the friendship and sistership we have. We make a good team. I am thankful to you both for giving me a sister that I know will be there for me too. We will make it and you both will continue to be proud.
I'm not giving myself the choice anymore. I'll live happily ever after.
Over the last two and a bit months, I've managed to read my first {gulp} "self help"-style books. I was looking for books about women, parenting and motherless daughters.
The first I managed to get through was "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. It was FANTASTIC and I really felt connected to the messages in the book. I even highlighted pages on my Kindle App, I was that exited that I'd found something to help me feel less alone at the time. I then got through "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair. More depressing than the first, but the messages got through to me just as loud and clear.
It's hard to not feel alone when the person you felt the most connected to in your life dies. Who do I go to for comfort? Who do I talk to when I want to tell someone that I feel ripped off, scared, depressed and alone?
These two books were comfort to me. They informed me {not reminded me} that clearly, I'm not the first and only person to face the loss of a parent {or both parents} at a young age. So I'm not alone and my thoughts are not rare or unusual.
Sometimes, I wish I could switch off. I think about my parents every waking minute. Sometimes the thoughts bug me and upset me to the point of tears, but mostly the thought of them makes me silent. I take a gulp of fresh air, close my eyes and be still until the pain subsides. It's strange how I actually feel physical pain when thinking of my parents, when it's a combination of sadness, grief, disbelief, anxiety and depression.
I don't believe I'm clinically depressed. I do however believe I'm grieving. And right in the middle of a bad patch. Grief is good in a way, it provides you with the emotions and thoughts to really accept the loss you've had. It makes you slow down. If I didn't slow down during these bad patches, I'd surely collapse.
Sometimes, when the thoughts of my angel parents hide for a while, I feel like I am not scared of anything. And it really feels good. When Dad died, I felt guilty for smiling. I felt guilty for laughing, even for enjoying a meal. Because Dad wasn't here to enjoy the same small pleasures. When Mum died, I realized that there is no point in feeling this guilt. It won't get me anywhere but a bad place I don't want to be. I've found a place in my mind and my soul where I feel free.
I'd like to go for a day without feeling this grief. It's so overwhelming and all consuming. If I let it, it turns me into a tired mess, one who doesn't want to get out of bed.
I've learnt to accept that my feelings about what has happened to our family can change at any moment. I need to just go with it. Not fighting the grief is the key to surviving it. I don't want to live with depression and anxiety. My kids have every right to have a happy, healthy Mum, one who is there in mind and body for them. I know as they grow and get to understand what we've all faced {if I've taught them enough about living with compassion in their hearts}, they may be sensitive to the issues and not be hard on me for having a rough day. As long as they know that they were the ones to pull me through this, everything will be okay.
I have a thirst for life, a thirst for sunshine and peace. I want to feel every breath enter and exit my lungs. I love silence but can't get home quick enough each day to hear my babies laughing and chattering away.
Mum and Dad would want a happy life for us. They would wish us peace, love and comfort. If they were here, they would be encouraging me to be the best possible wife, mother, sister and friend I can be. They wouldn't let me slack off. I can't afford to. What if I died tomorrow? That's why EVERY SINGLE DAY has to be peaceful and beautiful.
Mum and Dad, I say this to you both. I let you go now. I will never stop grieving for you both. I will always love you both and miss you both so much my heart hurts. I am so proud to be your daughter. You are both with me every step of my life. I will not forget you both. I wish you were here with us. There is nothing more either of you could have done to be better parents. You supported me, you loved me, you were strict and you were loving at the same time. To lose both of you within 9 years is something I cannot comprehend. I never thought my life would be this way at age 31. And yes, it is painful that you are both no longer here. Very painful. But yours is a love story that I will tell my children with warmth in my heart and their children will know how much you loved each other. My children and my grandchildren will know you both as if you were here to show them who you were in the flesh. It makes me beam with pride to talk about you both. You mean so much to me, everything to me.
I will be there for my sister for all of her days. I will be her friend, a support to her and will be there when and if she needs me. I am proud of her. I enjoy the friendship and sistership we have. We make a good team. I am thankful to you both for giving me a sister that I know will be there for me too. We will make it and you both will continue to be proud.
I'm not giving myself the choice anymore. I'll live happily ever after.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Day #7 & #8- I have Super Powers.
And like magic, I am in control of my feelings. Nothing is getting to me anymore. I'm calm and focused. Even when I'm having a "moment" {a collective of seconds or minutes where I am thinking about Mum and Dad}, I can talk myself out of panic. I used to live so crippled in fear that I wasted time and wished it away, just so the bad moments would have less chance of finding me.
I haven't felt so relaxed in years. I'm in love, I'm happy and I'm carefree. My concentration and memory have improved. My motivation has skyrocketed and I'm content with what I have, what I don't have and with what I want and don't want in my life.
It feels great to finally feel in some sort of control of my emotions. I say how I feel, without thinking about other people first. If something needs to be said, I will say it. I don't care what other people think anymore. I'm not letting people's opinions guide my life.
I have been having nightmares about my Mum again. I had one this afternoon and I was so crippled by fear, I couldn't even tell my husband what happened. I went quiet, walked outside and sat in the warm sun with my eyes close until I felt I had calmed down and could cope again. It worked. Some deep breaths, a cool glass of water, some sun on my bare shoulders and I was okay again. I haven't forgotten what happened in the nightmare and I probably never will. But that's okay. I'm really starting to believe that dreams have very deep, significant meanings and I'd like to think that those with whom we want to communicate the most and most likely can't in every day life, come to visit us in our dreams to give us messages and to show us what and who is important.
Why else would my dreams have the same recurring theme? 18 times over, I have had this nightmare/dream. I'm being told something or subconsciously, I am thinking something that I am too afraid to confront in my waking life.
Now that I don't live in fear of anything, it's time to confront all this head on.
Happiness is really something that we should all seek and we should all work on. It doesn't always come easily. I've faced a lot in my life. I've been in abusive relationships. I've lost those I love the most. I've faced significant depression, anxiety and panic. I've had an eating disorder to learn to overcome. There's not much I can't do.
I know I can do it and this weekend just proves it. I can live a happy, peaceful life and learn from the bad times. It's a bad moment, not a bad life. Just take them as they are and move forward.
Cheers to the good times in life, I'm so thankful so all the good things in my life right now.
L
xo
I haven't felt so relaxed in years. I'm in love, I'm happy and I'm carefree. My concentration and memory have improved. My motivation has skyrocketed and I'm content with what I have, what I don't have and with what I want and don't want in my life.
It feels great to finally feel in some sort of control of my emotions. I say how I feel, without thinking about other people first. If something needs to be said, I will say it. I don't care what other people think anymore. I'm not letting people's opinions guide my life.
I have been having nightmares about my Mum again. I had one this afternoon and I was so crippled by fear, I couldn't even tell my husband what happened. I went quiet, walked outside and sat in the warm sun with my eyes close until I felt I had calmed down and could cope again. It worked. Some deep breaths, a cool glass of water, some sun on my bare shoulders and I was okay again. I haven't forgotten what happened in the nightmare and I probably never will. But that's okay. I'm really starting to believe that dreams have very deep, significant meanings and I'd like to think that those with whom we want to communicate the most and most likely can't in every day life, come to visit us in our dreams to give us messages and to show us what and who is important.
Why else would my dreams have the same recurring theme? 18 times over, I have had this nightmare/dream. I'm being told something or subconsciously, I am thinking something that I am too afraid to confront in my waking life.
Now that I don't live in fear of anything, it's time to confront all this head on.
Happiness is really something that we should all seek and we should all work on. It doesn't always come easily. I've faced a lot in my life. I've been in abusive relationships. I've lost those I love the most. I've faced significant depression, anxiety and panic. I've had an eating disorder to learn to overcome. There's not much I can't do.
I know I can do it and this weekend just proves it. I can live a happy, peaceful life and learn from the bad times. It's a bad moment, not a bad life. Just take them as they are and move forward.
Cheers to the good times in life, I'm so thankful so all the good things in my life right now.
L
xo
Friday, November 15, 2013
Day #6- November 15th, 2013- Rites of Passage. Tick!
So today, with only 4 weeks to go until the end of the year, I did my first kindergarten duty at my boy's pre-school. I had the time of my life, I think I had more fun than the kids! {and was probably more tired by home time than they were; goodness, I had to come home to a warm fire and a cuppa after playing outside in the rain and in the sandpit}
Twenty-two 4 & 5 year old boys and girls at 830am on a Friday: can't beat the energy level in that room. It made me buzz with delight. I never EVER have energy that early, I usually take a while to warm up but I was on fire. Yelling out the rules of tiggy, hide-n-seek and Duck Duck Goose. Laughing and giggling with the girls when they talked about the boys in their class. Giving out cuddles to those who fell and scraped their knees trying to run and keep up with the others.
I'm not sure what it is like for parents around the world, but in Australia, "kinder duty" I think is a rite of passage for any Mum. In the old days {when I was a kinder girl}, kinder duty involved coming in to kinder during a morning session, cutting up fruit {usually apples, bananas and oranges} and pouring glasses of milk for all the kids. Then you'd serve all the kids their healthy snacks, maybe read a story to the kids then go home.
Today was the time of my life because every kid, like TWENTY TWO of them, listened to me and more importantly, had exciting news for me and wanted me to join in their games.
My son was pumped I was there, and he was a pleasure to be around. The teachers saw my presence as a welcome break from this busily active group of dreamers and I happily took over the fun and games. I'd lost my voice by 11am but was so happy to be out in the weather.
I forgot how magical it was to be 4 and 5 years old and the biggest drama in your life was either waiting for a swing, trying to get sand from the sand pit out of your shoes and not being happy with the snacks Mum has packed for you.
I have a good memory {usually} and can remember a few things about my kinder year at Roycroft Kindergarten. I loved reading stories and story time. I loved my Mum bringing my sister in for kinder duty so I could show all my friends how big I was as a big sister {I was the smallest of all my friends}. I loved playing "families", "shops" and "schools" with my friends Cassandra, Belinda and Elizabeth.
I ended up remaining friends with these girls until we all went to different schools for our high school years. I remember being chosen as Mary {as in Jesus' mum} for our end-of-year kinder play. I had one line, which my Mum reminded me of many MANY times as I grew older. "Well that'll have to do then", I said to my pretend-husband Joseph {one of my friends who was chosen to be Joseph purely because his name was actually Joseph} of the stable I was to pretend to give birth to my dolly baby Jesus in front of all the kids' parents.
I remember hatching chicks in incubators, playing with bunnies in the play yard, doing lots of paintings, writing stories, playing dress-ups.
I look back tonight at this magical, dreamy time and push myself to try and remember every detail. It seems like so long ago, it was 27 years ago to be exact. Clearly my life until now, like most people's I imagine, has gone by really quickly. Until this week, I have always worried about the future and reflected too deeply on the past. I've taught myself and learnt the hard way that this very second is the most important in my life. Blink and you will miss so much. In my mind, I feel like I'm about 19 or 20 years old and I love it. My body doesn't feel so young thanks to some pretty hefty arthritic patches. And after two children, ouch. It just doesn't keep up with me as well as it used to.
I can't describe how time going by quickly make me feel. It scares me. I don't want my life to ever be over. Life is too short. You really only get one chance at every thing. You can go back and re-attempt to create moments in your life but really, one time is all you get. At everything. So just enjoy yourself, don't sweat the small stuff and don't look back unless it's to fondly remember how privileged you are to be living right now.
Twenty-two 4 & 5 year old boys and girls at 830am on a Friday: can't beat the energy level in that room. It made me buzz with delight. I never EVER have energy that early, I usually take a while to warm up but I was on fire. Yelling out the rules of tiggy, hide-n-seek and Duck Duck Goose. Laughing and giggling with the girls when they talked about the boys in their class. Giving out cuddles to those who fell and scraped their knees trying to run and keep up with the others.
I'm not sure what it is like for parents around the world, but in Australia, "kinder duty" I think is a rite of passage for any Mum. In the old days {when I was a kinder girl}, kinder duty involved coming in to kinder during a morning session, cutting up fruit {usually apples, bananas and oranges} and pouring glasses of milk for all the kids. Then you'd serve all the kids their healthy snacks, maybe read a story to the kids then go home.
Today was the time of my life because every kid, like TWENTY TWO of them, listened to me and more importantly, had exciting news for me and wanted me to join in their games.
My son was pumped I was there, and he was a pleasure to be around. The teachers saw my presence as a welcome break from this busily active group of dreamers and I happily took over the fun and games. I'd lost my voice by 11am but was so happy to be out in the weather.
I forgot how magical it was to be 4 and 5 years old and the biggest drama in your life was either waiting for a swing, trying to get sand from the sand pit out of your shoes and not being happy with the snacks Mum has packed for you.
I have a good memory {usually} and can remember a few things about my kinder year at Roycroft Kindergarten. I loved reading stories and story time. I loved my Mum bringing my sister in for kinder duty so I could show all my friends how big I was as a big sister {I was the smallest of all my friends}. I loved playing "families", "shops" and "schools" with my friends Cassandra, Belinda and Elizabeth.
I ended up remaining friends with these girls until we all went to different schools for our high school years. I remember being chosen as Mary {as in Jesus' mum} for our end-of-year kinder play. I had one line, which my Mum reminded me of many MANY times as I grew older. "Well that'll have to do then", I said to my pretend-husband Joseph {one of my friends who was chosen to be Joseph purely because his name was actually Joseph} of the stable I was to pretend to give birth to my dolly baby Jesus in front of all the kids' parents.
I remember hatching chicks in incubators, playing with bunnies in the play yard, doing lots of paintings, writing stories, playing dress-ups.
I look back tonight at this magical, dreamy time and push myself to try and remember every detail. It seems like so long ago, it was 27 years ago to be exact. Clearly my life until now, like most people's I imagine, has gone by really quickly. Until this week, I have always worried about the future and reflected too deeply on the past. I've taught myself and learnt the hard way that this very second is the most important in my life. Blink and you will miss so much. In my mind, I feel like I'm about 19 or 20 years old and I love it. My body doesn't feel so young thanks to some pretty hefty arthritic patches. And after two children, ouch. It just doesn't keep up with me as well as it used to.
I can't describe how time going by quickly make me feel. It scares me. I don't want my life to ever be over. Life is too short. You really only get one chance at every thing. You can go back and re-attempt to create moments in your life but really, one time is all you get. At everything. So just enjoy yourself, don't sweat the small stuff and don't look back unless it's to fondly remember how privileged you are to be living right now.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Day #5 - I've Enjoyed Today
Today has been great.
I've enjoyed being with my two little ones.
I enjoyed a burger with my son.
I enjoyed almost falling asleep on the couch when we got home.
I enjoyed eating a meal with no interruptions.
I enjoyed hearing my husband say he'd bath the kids and put them to bed so I could go out and spend some time by myself.
I enjoyed the quiet.
Now I'm enjoying a crushed pear and grapefruit cider, some camembert and Angry Boys on DVD.
Ahhhhhh. Happy Thursday.
Hope you all had a relaxing day and nothing got to you!
L
XO
I've enjoyed being with my two little ones.
I enjoyed a burger with my son.
I enjoyed almost falling asleep on the couch when we got home.
I enjoyed eating a meal with no interruptions.
I enjoyed hearing my husband say he'd bath the kids and put them to bed so I could go out and spend some time by myself.
I enjoyed the quiet.
Now I'm enjoying a crushed pear and grapefruit cider, some camembert and Angry Boys on DVD.
Ahhhhhh. Happy Thursday.
Hope you all had a relaxing day and nothing got to you!
L
XO
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