What Life Feels Like For Me

Feelings are subjective. I was always taught to value and respect the feelings of others because we cannot stand in another person's shoes.

The greatest single piece of spoken advice I received from my Dad was this: "Until you feel so low, so unimaginably distressed, do not assess and compare the magnitude of the problems of others". It's a very fair statement. No judgement, just compassion and understanding.

So I ask this of you as I post the following images. I saw some very mentally confronting images of actor John Schneider as he grasps the heartbreaking fact that his dad had passed away. His face is immediately worn and tired. This is what grief does to you. I know this feeling. It's effect is instant, although some may not recognize it on the faces of others. We all grieve differently. This is how I'm grieving.

 {this photo represents the fact that I find it easier to hide behind objects and look at life through a lens sometimes}

{this is a piece of my family's history. i love photography and at this point in my life, photos mean everything to me}

{the gorgeous lace dress my daughter will wear at her birthday party is a reminder that i'm getting older, just like everyone else. and i'm scared sometimes that my time to leave will be sooner than it should be. i don't want to leave my family. in contrast, the joy of seeing your baby turn into a little girl is one of the greatest feelings. grief can muddle the good times, it doesn't just hide when you have company. grief is confusing and takes you by surprise}

 

{my five year old son took this image of me tonight. i thought i was alone. in the quiet moments, i stop and try to make the world stop for a minute so i can focus on getting through the next minutes. yes, sometimes it comes down to minutes for me. closing my eyes allows me to open up, fresh, taking another breath in a new moment. i also see my parents when i close my eyes. they aren't often closed for long, remembering the past, despite its rich goodness, is difficult right now}

 

 

{i hold onto people, places, objects and feelings. i have a good memory. during the tougher days, i remind myself that it's okay to hold on. this picture signifies the fact that i hold on to the good in people. i'm holding a locket given to me by my sister to wear at our Mum's funeral and the ring I gave Mum, one of my bridal rings. she had this ring on when she passed away. i won't ever wear it again. it symbolizes me holding on to the things i love and i want it to serve as a reminder that people cannot be replaced by objects}

{i see this the moment i open my eyes each morning. love is all we need and we need to give love and feel loved when we grieve}

{this tiny 6 inch bike represents the passion that flowed from my Dad. he found something he loved and the love of riding never left him. being in a state of bereavement to me signifies a need to experience as much as you can and cherish the adventures life takes you on}

{the candle sat on the altar during my wedding. i can't part with it because my Mum loved the quote I engraved on it. the people you keep close to your heart are the most important. grief allows you to express how much you love these people. or how much harder it is to live without someone who understood you}

{grief is much like a child's drawings. sometimes, you can't figure out what lays in front of you and confusion leads you down strange paths. sometimes, what you see is clear and just having a bit of clarity makes you happy. it is when you accept that some things in life won't be simple that you make great gains. grief is not simple, so now i can work on it}

{i looked to a gloomy sky tonight for answers. i got nothin'. sometimes it's best to look closer to home. my answer was "just breathe"}

{i'm not mocking women with facial hair. and i love mustaches. this picture taken by my five year old son as we made his toddler sister giggle her way into baby hysteria. looking at this reminds me that little things, insignificant things, are quite funny to me and laughter is crucial to my existence. a fake mustache made my daughter's day and put a slight smile on my dial}

{these are eyes that cry. quite a lot. and my unkempt eyebrows are testament to my crazy need to keep busy with work and writing. and therefore, not with eyebrow maintenance. i see things differently to you. don't forget that}

{a beautiful reminder that time is fleeting and all good things must come to an end. and to stop and smell the roses. life, even at its murkiest depths, is incredibly magnificent. so magnificent that we only get one shot at it. in saying this, i acknowledge that it is okay to grieve, but i can't let it control me. there is too much good in the world to take in. so go with the flow, feel how i feel and move forward. baby steps are fine}

{if only these two precious souls knew how much life has changed without them. if only they knew how much of an impact that had on my life. their smiles are real. their love was real. no matter how much i write or what i say, i can't explain how intense my feelings about EVERYTHING have become since they passed}

when you grieve, you have lost someone but it is in that fog that you have the chance to find yourself.

when you are grieving, you need to give yourself up to the notion that feelings and thoughts will come that will overwhelm you, often to the point of tears. 

when you are grieving, you need to accept that life is a little bit different for you and you need to go easy on yourself. 

when you are grieving, you need to accept that there may be no end point in sight. but that is by no means a chance to give up. pushing through makes the pain easier to bear.

Why I Won't Be Tattooed

Call me strange but I don't like the permanency. I think some art loses its grace and magnificence over time, even if it comes with a strong and powerful meaning. So that tattoo you got in Thailand with your ex at 21 years of age probably comes with some baggage now, unless it's now a fading scar, a reminder.

I can understand why people get a tattoo and can't stop. It's probably quite thrilling. But considering the fact that my tastes change almost daily with creative and influencing images from around the world at my fingertips, I couldn't see myself settling on any designs for more than 30 seconds. That and I'd be petrified at the thought of them being lasered off if I came to dislike them intensely!

I think it's strange to get those kinds of tattoos that "only you know are there". What's the point? Tattoo is body art and art is usually displayed. Are these people worried about the opinions of others?

I know people memorialize their loved
ones in the form of tattoos. I respect this display of affection, love and sacrifice. I don't think it's something I could do.

I think it comes down to the simple fact that I'd need it to be too perfect.  What are the chances of that?!

Change.

I've been quiet on the personal writing/blogging front lately as I've been battling some inner demons away from technology.

I feel empowered in sharing my daily stories with whoever chooses to read them but lately, I've been looking within to find some solutions to minor issues that have arisen.

I say minor, you'd probably say game-changing. I'm battling through a crisis point at present. The realities of the last 9 months have dawned on me. I had a baby and was having the time of my life. I was so much more relaxed this time and my panic attacks had lessened tenfold. Well, I'd say they almost disappeared. I had been suffering from panic disorder since 2006 when I was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. These issues stemmed from the loss of my father, despite the fact that I've always had some kind of anxiety within me.

When my daughter was born, I realized that this was it, time to get it right as I was not going to ever mother a newborn of my own again. And I did it get it right. In my opinion, I did a great job through all the breast feeding issues, a battle with Raynaud's Phenomenon and severe rheumatoid arthritis which is now encasing most of my most useful joints. I was mothering in the best way possible my almost five year old Kinder Boy and my newborn, perfect daughter. I was not really stressing as much over little things, was sleeping a bit better, was enjoying exercise and was happy with my life.

Then as most of you may know, my Mum died and life became quite unbearable and chaotic. Despite having my husband and younger sister to talk to, I didn't feel like I could talk to them and be understood like when I spoke to my Mum. So I started bottling feelings up that were too painful or writing when I felt up to it. I still don't feel understood because I acknowledge that pain is subjective and no one can feel exactly what I do.

A couple of months before Christmas, I started having panic attacks again. I would think about dying and leaving my kids with little to no memory of my time with them. I would think about how I had made nothing of my life to this point, even though I've done so much. I'd have terrifying nightmares about the deaths of my parents which set me into a fog of sadness every morning.  I cried my way to and from work for weeks. I'd want to sleep to end the day but didn't want the day to end because that was one step closer to my kids not needing me anymore. Then it would be my time to go and I didn't want to die. That's how entrapped in my feelings I was. It is mental torture and I had no way of zoning out unless I was at work away from my loved ones.

I thought I was going through an existential crisis. I'm 31 and wondering where I am off to in life. Like I've said before, I'm now on the other side of my childbearing years, even though I long to have another one or two precious little ones to cherish and that makes me sad. Not just "sad face" sad, it makes me "stay up at night" sad.

I've always had a good memory and in a way, I have used the losses in my life in an important way. I focus on detail, I plan and I research. And I make every little thing important. That way, when something horrible happens, I can remember details and relive certain times. It helps me immensely. This isn't helpful however when I continuously and subconsciously recount the moments when I lost my parents. I'll be driving in my car and my heart will suddenly start thumping. I don't panic, I just recognize the sadness that is a part of me now. And it bloody hurts and tears come to sting my eyes until I have to pull off the road.

Mind you, I'm not sad every waking moment. I'm really not. But lately, I've been feeling different and unsettled. I feel very lost. I feel like I have no one in the world who understands my feelings, my thoughts and why I am who I am, even though my husband and sister have watched me change.

I can't say I'm strong to be able to get up in the morning and get on with life. Some days, I can't be bothered, but I put that down to being a Mum to two little ones. I don't use the losses I've felt in my life to lay blame for the decisions or changes I've made. I've had to alter my whole outlook and some very poignant beliefs and parts of me to cope day to day and I've wanted to change. This last year just forced me to.

I wanted to change and keep changing so I can grow and live a full life. If I kept going the way I was, I'd be a ball of nerves and unable to leave the house. Or I'd be dead from panic and stress. It is a big deal for me to be able to admit there were times in my life that had my stomach and mind in knots but it's part of my history.

I really want to live and I really want to be healthy. I know what makes me happy and even though I don't know what I want right now, I know that it is important for me to just get through one day, or even hour, at a time.

Until someone said to me "What you've faced in the last decade, at your age, is huge. Don't deny that and don't pretend", I didn't acknowledge how much everything has changed for me.

I'm afraid to talk about Mum anymore for fear of breaking down, but I can tell you this. Please let me share my days with you, it's helping me cope. I don't want any more days where I feel like floating away and disappearing. I want to be present and to be a great Mum, the greatest my kids could have. They deserve all of me, not just a part of me.

L
xo

My Mother's Legacy

I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much. Too much of something isn't usually good. In the case, I'm undecided.

I'm in the midst of a self-diagnosed existential crisis. Questioning my existence, questioning the point of life, being afraid of death, and being more afraid to be apart from my children. Being unsure of where life is headed and feeling like there is no clear direction for me. Feeling at times like I'm stuck in a moment in time and clearly not enjoying it very much.

I expected this. Once the fog of my mother's passing lifted slightly, I knew the reality would hit me smack-bang between the eyes. This is it in life. This is my life. There are no second chances or second opportunities. No re-runs or practice matches. This is it. Once it's over, it's over. As horribly blunt as that reads, truth be told, that's it.

All it took to come to this realization was the passing of our first Christmas and New Years Day without Mum and here I am, sitting in bed with too many worries, a bit of stress and a few tears, a long to-do list, representative of my desire to keep physically and mentally busy and an untouched glass of wine.

I don't know who would care or who would listen or fully understand and figured writing about this was my best option. I've had a horrible feeling since Mum died that she believed or was made to believe that she was worthless and her life lacked meaning. That because she was a mother and grandmother above all else, that the rest of her life slid quietly into some forgotten backdrop.

If I got the chance to scream from a rooftop, I would shout. Mum, being the best mother you could possibly be to your daughters was enough. Raising us {at times, basically alone} was enough. Mothering is a bloody hard job and you raised us through some very trying circumstances. Please don't accept anything other than the truth. You lived for us and you loved us and that was more than enough.

You can't take your qualifications with you. I'm sure no one cares when you went to university in Heaven, if Heaven exists. I'm sure no one cares about where you lived or the car you drove or the fact that you'd prefer op-shopping over brand shopping any day, in Heaven.

Your life, the losses you faced, the happiness you felt and the love in your heart, the lessons you taught us and the advice you gifted, all forms part of how I will think of you in the days and years to come. I don't want to feel like you don't exist now because you're not here physically. You continue to exist in my heart and in my mind. As long as I think of you, you are here with me.

A legacy is the gift you pass down or pass along. Mum's gifts to me are rich and vast. The story line of her life. The choices, both good and bad, she made. It all intertwines to form a group of lessons that she taught me, sometimes without even knowing or uttering a word.

There are things Mum did in her life {ie smoking} that I will avoid. So as she sat there telling me not to smoke {she didn't actually ever have to say don't smoke, I couldn't stand it from the beginning anyway!}, I was learning from her. I watched her life change and her priorities change and I learned a lot. I learned what I wanted to do and how I wanted to grow in life and how I didn't want to follow in her footsteps in some ways.

The most important thing I watched as I grew up with Mum was the way she treated people and what she felt was important and precious in life. She thought and her acted with her heart. Her actions always came from a good place. Her temper sometimes flared, but usually only if someone used or abused her. She held grudges, even though she said she didn't.

I want Mum to know that her gift to me was just being with me and allowing me to share in her life so I could learn from her. That's all I ever needed. To learn and be taught. Being loved was never a question. I always felt loved by her and to this day, I've never felt warmth from another human being as I did from Mum.

I re-read the words I spoke from my Mum's funeral service a few nights ago. As I choked back tears, I realized something very poignant. I've grown. I've changed in some many ways and I've learned many important lessons. I've tweaked my attitude and personality in ways which others might not notice, but to me, I've really changed. I feel decidedly different. I;m not the same person who weakly stood at the chapel altar and poured my heart out in front of a large group of friends and family. I'm not the same person who couldn't understand why I didn't get to say goodbye to Mum or was too frightened to see her in the flesh or too terrified to contemplate my future as an "young adult orphan"{ or so LifeLine labelled me}, for want of a better term.

So with this, I can proudly say that my Mother's Legacy lives in me, has become a part of me and will never leave. Strength, reflection, the courage to cry and ask for help {something Mum rarely did, willingly} and the power to keep stepping forward, even when I want to step back.

I never thought I'd come this far after losing my soul mate in life. I never thought I could get backin any way to my life after saying goodbye to my best friend, the extention of my heart. But I've made it through, tears and all. Whether you realize or not, your own Mother is the closest link to your childhood and your past. And when that person you can reflect with has passed, your memories and thoughts, as well as pictures and a few precious belongings become your past and something you treasure and keep close.

Mum, this is who I am and it's because of you, the way you lived your life, the lessons you helped me learn and your love that I'm now okay.

Love you always and miss you more with each passing day. The heart break is overwhelmingly punishing but there are times where all I do is smile because I remember I was lucky to have you at all. So bloody lucky.

Fly free, Beautiful Girl.

Lug
xo

T Minus 28 Days & Counting...

In 28 days, my mothering skills will be tested to their absolute maximum. My eldest child starts school. And I don't know if either of us are ready for this {"us" being my boy and me}.

Master X was so used to the routine of Childcare {which he attended for 5 years} and then 2013's kinder routine. He was used to spending time during the day at home and at his grandmother's. But now, that will only be reserved for weekends and school holidays. That's right, I've only just realized that I'll need to actually know when Victorian school holidays are now!

How do you explain to your child that school is a permanent arrangement for a few years? {hopefully more into the university years, but trying not to get too proud and ahead of myself}. I've tried saying that he'll go to primary school til he's around 12. But he seems to think the hours will be more like "as he pleases" rather than 9-330pm like every other primary school-aged child.

I've tried explaining homework, school bells, listening, concentrating, the new friendships he'll be able to make, sport, art, music, his teachers and their role. I've gone over school books, reading, maths, learning about the world. It won't sink in until he gets into about 3rd term I reckon.

My boy is switched on and I know he'll be fine. He's on the sensitive side and is emotional like me. He is quiet at times but is learning to speak up for himself and he asks lots of questions like any 5 year old does. He's a good writer and is interested in reading. Yet I'm still worried and clearly like every other mother of the Nearly-Preppie in Australia would be right now.

The end of an era, my boy is almost at school. Packed lunches, excursions, school camps, uniforms, homework and a whole new ball game for us to work out. No more nappies, first steps, first words, childcare, kinder, 24hr protection from me! A whole new array of firsts will come our way and we'll be so proud of him but it's still hard and sets a ginormous lump in my throat to think that only 5 years ago, I left the Women's Hospital with a brand new baby boy in my arms as a Mother for the first time. Now he's a toothless, gangly {yet cute} fit 5 year old, ready to tackle anything he wants to. God bless him!

I don't want to cry in front of him, but I know as I let go of his hand and he leaves me for that first time that my heart will break a little. My baby is no longer, my growing boy is here to stay. I won't be able to sit still until he's home that afternoon, I can feel it already. He's so much like me and I loved school. I hope he does too. I hope he makes some lovely friends, stays out of trouble and some of my fears don't rear their ugly heads- he gets picked on or he turns into a bully. I hope he manages to keep a calm level head in times of peer pressure and when he needs to make social and academic decisions.

Wish us luck. And you can send tissues my way any time from now........

L
xo

We Wish You A Muddled Christmas

So a reaction of a friend to us talking about our plans for Christmas included her using the phrase "Oh Christmas will be so hard for you this year, won't it? It's basically ruined".

What? Do my children not exist? Am I dead too? I'm super sensitive right now, hence the muddled puzzled look I gave her at the time, but I have been looking forward to my daughter's first Christmas {and always look forward to Christmas with my boy} since the moment she was born. Nothing that has happened this year will drastically change that.

If Mum has taught me anything, it's that children are your priority and you can't get moments back.

Sure, it's our first Christmas without Mum. Our first Christmas without both our parents. Of course it's going to be difficult. But with little kids that will be excited and us having our first Christmas dinner at our place, how can I not be happy? I owe it to my parents to enjoy it. And I owe it to myself to have a great day.

As the months have gone on, a lot of people who know me have come to associate me with someone who is down and out all the time. I'm not! I write about sad things but I always write about the best times in my life too! People need to understand that living in a state of mourning is a roller coaster ride that's very very bumpy. Most days I can get through without being too stressed or tearful. Then there's those really hard days. Writing for me is how I release because I find that a lot of people don't understand how I process information and how I view things.

I'm determined that this Christmas will be great, no matter what happens.

I'm healthy, I'm happy, so is my family and my parents wouldn't want us in any other state.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas. It's my favourite time of year, something I picked up from my Mum and Dad.

Ten Things 2013 Has Given Me

1. The ability to see everything in my world simply and easily- I've seen things I'd never noticed before 
2. The chance to step away from people and situations that have confused, angered or upset me and just let it go
3. Insight into time and how worrying about it passing won't change outcomes- they will happen eventually
4. A sense of peace in myself- I'm calmer than ever before. I really am okay
5. Acceptance- It is okay to be afraid, sad, depressed, anxious and or in a panic. I've accepted this.
6. Wisdom- I don't give myself credit at times when I should be proud. I don't need the approval of others and I know that now
7. Purpose- I'm taking motherhood, being a wife, a sister, an employee and a small business owner more seriously than ever. I'm concentrating on being better at everything I do and am
8. Focus- I know what I want in life, when I want it and who I want to share it with. Now I just need to work out how I'll get there and I'll be set
9. Self-Esteem- I'm over being walked on. I might have turned into that stubborn Taurean you all may know but at least I believe passionately
10. Another Guardian Angel to watch over me and my children. And a daughter to watch over myself

2013 has been a blessed and a cursed year, all at once. I'd change only a couple of things. I don't normally get to say that at the end of every year but this year, I'm proud of what I've achieved and I hope to continue onwards and upward in the future.