Hurting

No matter how much I try to make sense of what happened to my Mum this year, in my quieter moments, I still become frightened by the shock and pain.

I'm finding life very difficult in parts without her. I panic about her suffering, I'm fuming with thoughts of the doctors who neglected her and I feel upset with myself for not going to see her one last time after she passed away . Not that I could've handled that at all.

I struggle thinking about my children growing up without being able to remember what it feels like to be loved by her. To be spoilt by her, even in being showered with op shop toys, clothes and books.

My Mum had a gentle kind and well-meaning heart. She was very thoughtful.  The pain of this loss is at it's peak at the moment. 

I wonder how I'll be okay without her for the rest of my life. I'm not religious so I'm not guaranteed to see her again. It's devastating.

I cry every day for her. Whenever I'm sad, sick, hurting, excited or even just lonely, I just want my Mum.

People wonder how I'm coping. I can't say that I feel like I am. I feel like I'm about to hit someone or burst into tears all the time.

I think the pain goes beyond just missing her now. I wish there was someone or something that could just get her back for me.

:(sad  face